Union Negotiations
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on
Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in
the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management have so far
failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of
virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by
about 15% next January from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was
the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a
subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers’ union, the British Organisation of Occupational
Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was
unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action.
General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are
literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don’t
ask for much in return but to be treated like this by management is a
kick in the teeth."
Mr. Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed out
that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the workforce
and not by management. "Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone was awarded an
annual bonus of 250,000 virgins," complains Amir. "And you can be sure
they’ll all be pretty ones too. How can Al Qaeda afford that for members
of the management but not 72 for the people who do the real work?"
Speaking from the shed in the West Midlands in which he currently
resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We
sympathise with our workers’ concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a
position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the
realities of modern-day jihad, in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to
Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the
afterlife. It’s a straight choice between reducing expenditure and
laying people off. I don’t like cutting wages but I’d hate to have to
tell 3,000 of my staff that they won’t be able to blow themselves up."
He defended management bonuses by claiming these were necessary to
attract good, fanatical clerics. "How am I supposed to attract the best
people if I can’t compete with the private sector?" asked Mr. Bin-Laden.
Talks broke down this morning after management’s last-ditch proposal of
a virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright after a failure to agree
on orifice allocation quotas. One virgin, who refused to be named, was
quoted as saying "I’ll be buggered if I’m agreeing to anything like
that……..it’s too much to swallow".
Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend, suicide
bombers will down explosives at midday on Monday. Most branches are
supporting the strike. Only the North London branch, which has a
different union, is likely to continue working. However, some members of
that branch will only be using waist-down explosives in order to express
solidarity with their striking brethren.
Spokespersons in the North East of England, Swindon, North Kent and the
entire Australian continent stated that this would not affect their
operations as "There are no virgins in their areas anyway.
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