My fellow Americans…

[Scott Beveridge]

Before any of you start sharpening your Bowies & Gerbers, before you start loading some shells…. Take note that I’m an American…. Albeit living overseas….

ANNUAL "DUH" AWARDS

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
[wanna bet on her hair colour]?

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff,"
Mariah Carey [now we know why she’s such a sensitive actress]
"Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life,"
Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal antismoking campaign.

"I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
! –Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
[it helps to read crime stats when you’re stoned]

”We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees,"
Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jack! ass, and I’m just the one to do it,"
A congressional candidate in Texas.

"I don’t feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
John Wayne [just because they’ve been here 10,000 years, you’d think they had rights or something]

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
Philadelphia! Phillies manager, Danny Ozark Danny was never really good at the stats part of baseball]

"It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
Al Gore, Vice President

"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet,"
Former British foreign minister, Ernest Bevin.

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
Dan Quayle [days like this….I really miss Dan]

"It’s no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another"
George Bush, US President

"We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
Lee Iacocca [not all of us can afford mink-lined oxygen masks, Lee]

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version,"
Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra! testimony. [Lied. Say it slowly, Ollie….L-I-E-D]

"The word "genius" isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein,"
Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure."
! Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
Al Gore, VP

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